Learning to Grieve

*Trigger warning* This blog talks about death and grief which we understand can be upsetting.

In this blog Carys shares her tips on dealing with loss and grief as a young person

-Carys

Recently, I watched a brilliant documentary on BBC iPlayer by George Shelley talking about loss and grief (you'll need tissues). I immediately realised a huge gap in mental health discussion: why is grief never talked about? Especially grief and loss among young people. Perhaps grief is hard to articulate clearly because it isn't clear at all.

Everyone who comes into this world will experience grief at some point in their life, and it's not something you're ever prepared for. Sometimes you don't even think a death will affect you so deeply, but it does.

In this blog I hope to share some tipsthat I've used when dealing with the sudden loss of 3 friends before age 21, named MR, DB and AW. All three were amazing people and friends I thought I'd have forever. During these rough, emotional experiences I�ve understood a lot about coming to terms with death and I hope what I�ve learned will be useful for others.

1)  Talk about them:

In the documentary, George Shelley mentioned about not even being able to say his sister's name to begin with, which is something I really related to. Since AW died, it's rare I've called them by the name I knew them as. George said to say the name out loud, so I did, and it helped. I sat there in my ball-pool of tissues screaming "AW!" for a good 20 minutes. It felt freeing! Finally, saying the name felt a lot less painful.

2) Let the emotions roll:

I�m all over the place with emotions - sometimes I don't even know if I'm sad crying or happy crying, but it doesn�t matter. There is no right way to feel: I�m allowed to be sad, angry, lonely or quiet if I want to be. It's okay to dedicate time for it too. If I get triggered, I allow myself to take 5 minutes of deep-howling cries or pillow-punching sessions. I�ll then wipe those eyes and start again. I know I'll feel worse if I bottle up these emotions.

3) Remember them:

Facebook�s �remembering" feature in front of my friends' names pulls at those heartstrings. Cover photos picture a moment I desperately wish to re-live. But the photos - and even more so the videos - I find weirdly calming to look through. When someone asks me about framed memories in my room, and the pictures covering my noticeboard, I feel I can talk happily about it. I can remember those times as funny, good, and happy, which they were.

4) Listen to Music

It's amazing how our minds link songs to certain people or memories. Of the 3 funerals I've attended, I remember the first minute of AW's. It's normal for your brain to detach from reality during distressing times- it's called dissociation. I wasn�t able to cry at DB�s funeral and I used to think about that a lot - it doesn't mean that I'm less sad or not as worthy of being there as others (which is what my brain likes to tell me). When I playback the non-hymn tunes played at the services, sometimes memories come out of them, sometimes I get nothing at all. I put on music that we used to listen to together to feel closer to them, or simply feel anything at all.

5) Meditate

Finally, have a listen to this on YouTube. I use when no one is there to listen, or I don't know how to talk about what is hurting.It makes you imagine a person who you need/want to tell something that you've been holding in, and they take it away from you and disappear until you need them again. I'm not the type of person who enjoys meditating, but this clip has helped me so much in life, and it doesn't just apply to grief.

6) Be patient with yourself, and others.

We all grieve differently. It's been 7 months now since AW passed, but my housemates and I are finally all talking again in person and online. The "elephant in the room" or the empty space is still there, and life isn�t the same anymore, but it's getting less difficult. We�re still allowed to have banter and share Gifs in group chats, even with one of us missing.

Thank you so much for reading and well done for getting through this important topic - writing this has been difficult, so I can imagine reading it will be too. Please remember to take some time to practice self-care and look after you.

I'm Carys, a 4th year Modern Languages student at Durham University. As well as my passion for languages and travel, I love talking about mental health and I am one of the Student Minds editors this year. Please get in touch if you have any questions or comments about my work - I love hearing from you!

Treat Yourself

Rachel discusses self-esteem and success. 

So many people over the years have told me that the key to success is 'working really hard'. Dedication together with food, water, and sleep are a crucial mix to achieve any goal.

And that is where the advice often ends.

But clocking as many hours as possible is not a recipe for success. It's a recipe for short-term gain and long-term destruction (Fleming, 2018). Not only do 72-hour weeks contribute towards reducing a person's dedication, but they also impact negatively on the other important elements of success. If you are working 12-hour days, chances are you are also skipping meals, on a caffeine drip, and not catching enough sleep. Human beings are not made to operate like machines.

Having volunteered for years with GirlGuiding UK, I have watched time and time again as schools put an intense amount of pressure on students to 'work harder', 'do more', and 'get better'. But all these students are hearing is 'I am not good enough'. Is it any wonder 82% students suffer from stress and anxiety (Veiber, 2017)?

Now is the time to refocus. If we chose to look at our successes rather than our failures and acknowledge our efforts over our shortfalls, we can form a positive view on the work that we are committing and recommitting to every single day (Herald, 2014).

�Here�s your protection for whatever comes: Find something to be happy about every day, and every hour if possible, moment-to-moment, even if only for a few minutes.� - Gregg Braden

Mr Braden has it right! The only thing he doesn't warn us though, is that positivity isn't easy to achieve. It doesn't appear over night. Sometimes we need a little boost to help us get through! Science shows that individuals providing themselves small incentives improve their self control and energy, feeling contended, comforted, and cared for. The contrary is also true; when an individual fails to incentivise themselves, they can burn out, becoming depleted and resentful (Rubin, 2014).

This is where I come to my title: Treat Yourself! On the days you are struggling, banging your head against the wall is not going to help. But going out for a brisk walk, having a real cup of coffee (not the instant stuff!), or doing whatever it is you enjoy doing in your 'me time' - might! Providing oneself with treats is proven to help maintain healthy and good habits (Rubin, 2014).

I am currently in the midst of revision. Now it is crunch time - exams are around the corner. I cannot devour enough information quickly enough! That said, spending eight hours a day hunched over books can become monotonous and ultimately demoralising - I have yet to meet someone who loves revision.

So I break up my day with little treats to keep me going; I practice some mindfulness techniques, volunteer, get a manicure, have a cup of hot chocolate (I'm not a fan of coffee!), work on an art project, or even write a blog post! There are millions of different things you can do to help you over a 'hump'! There is no one-size-fits-all. Keep trying until you find whatever it is that works for you!

I hope whatever it is you choose to be and whatever it is you choose to do to break up your day; you find something that puts a smile on your face!

I have found self-rewarding to be one of the most effective strategies for handling stress. You may have other tips or methods, so please feel free to share them in the comments section!

Rachel Gordon is a student at Brunel University London, reading Business and Management Bsc. A creative writer, Rachel is also an active blogger at her site www.millennial-me.co.ukand in a recent collaborative project, she released a motivational calendar for the year 2019 to raise funds for charity. Rachel volunteers for The Scouts Association and GirlGuiding UK; charities that offer a wide range of opportunities to children and has achieved awards for her dedication. Fluent in both English and Hebrew, she privately tutors Modern Hebrew at both Primary and Secondary Education Level.

For more articles, tips, or information, get in touch: @millennial_me_

Here are some supportive links if you're struggling with managing university stress: 

Starting University (https://www.studentminds.org.uk/startinguniversity.html)

Mind Matters (https://www.studentminds.org.uk/mindmatters.html) 

A Note On Graduate Mental Health

In this blog, Emily talks about her mental health as a recent graduate and gives advice to those in a similar situation. 

-Emily

When I took my final exam back at the end of May, the one thought that went through my brain was not �I finished my degree, time to celebrate and relax for a while!� It was �I finished my degree, what do I do now? What happens next?� All of a sudden, the life that had been lectures, assignments, exams, and stress was over � forever. I didn�t even have the distraction of the university paper to focus on as the final issue of the academic year had already been printed. 

As a Graduate, which has taken a lot of getting used to, I do think that in some respects, I am lucky in the fact that I have had jobs throughout the summer and have a pretty exciting opportunity lined up. About a week or so after finishing my degree, I was browsing the Internet for jobs in Europe � imagining myself teaching English in a sunny country like Spain or Italy. I came across an advert for a job with Education First (EF) teaching English in China and I just thought �why not? If I don�t do something this extreme now, I never will!� That�s how I�ve ended up preparing to go and work and live in China for a minimum of fifteen months. 

My Graduation ceremony back in July was quite a surreal blur of an experience. I was more interested in getting my certificate to begin the process of applying for a VISA to go to China, than I was about the ceremony itself. Also, I was halfway through a month-long contract teaching English in a summer school, which was a very intense and exhausting job to do. It didn�t hit me until a week or so later that it actually happened, and this is my life now.

University is definitely like this protective bubble in a sense. We have responsibilities and our own lives, but we also have a lot of support and guidance when it comes to education, work experience, careers advice, mental health support, etc... Once we�re in the �real world� that all sort of ceases and suddenly, we�re on our own and the world feels huge and scary. Since Graduation, and since leaving Swansea, I�ve experienced a dip in my mental health. Personally, for example, I�ve been feeling as though I need to be in consistent, constant employment rather than temporary contracts here and there until I eventually move to China. Graduate mental health, I believe, is a complex thing, and it is very easy to fall into the cycle of not feeling good enough when getting rejected from job after job, and also missing the friends we�ve made at university, comparing ourselves to others and feeling as though we �should� be in a certain place at a particular time in our lives. 

If anyone who�s recently graduated from university and finds themselves feeling similar, here�s some important tips to remember:

� Remember that you�re living your life � you�ll end up where you�re meant to be when you�re meant to get there, with who you�re meant to be there with! (That�s a mouthful).

� Remember to practice self-care, which includes being kind to yourself physically and mentally. Whether it�s congratulating yourself for something you�ve done, or just doing something you enjoy doing, be kind to yourself! 

� Remind yourself that you graduated from university. It is a massive achievement. That degree certificate, that grade � whether it�s a 1st, a 2:1 or a 2:2, it doesn�t matter � it represents years of hard work, dedication, commitment, passion and focus. 

To quote one of my best friends � �No one truly has their life together; we are all on our own little journey and go at our own pace.� Keep going! 

My name is Emily (Em). I have recently graduated from Swansea University with my BA degree in Modern Languages, Translation & Interpreting; I was also passionate about and dedicated to Swansea Student Media and the University students� newspaper � Waterfront. I blog for Student Minds because I have experienced mental health issues as a student and now as a graduate, as well as other health issues, and I support friends who also have mental health difficulties. I am a passionate writer and writing has been important in my mental health experiences � both in helping me to explore and to cope with my mental health, as well as sharing my story in order to help others.

PHD's Independence: a positive or a challenge to manage?

Nicola shares PHD student' experiences - the freedom, the challenges and calls for post graduate research students to share their experiences.

- Dr. Nicola Byrom

As part of an Office for Students / Research England funded project with Derby University I�ve had the opportunity to interview PhD students about their experience. It seems a time packed full of challenging balances to navigate. Many students point to the freedom that they have as one of the best parts of being a PhD student; you have the opportunity to create your own profile, to manage your own time, to follow your own interests and motivations.

As with any long project, there are peaks and troughs. At the peaks the independence is exhilarating. In the troughs, the independence can feel overwhelming.  With independence comes a real sense that �this is on me;� that if you don�t work out how to make the experiment work, or how to get a project running, no one else will.

Students have talked to me about the challenges they face around training. Even when working in a large and supportive lab group, it can be hard to find someone to help when you get stuck. It feels like this is because, as everyone specialises, there may genuinely be no one within the group who really understands what you are doing and why you are stuck. Reflecting on this experience, students see the positives; these experiences teach you to have self-confidence � you can, eventually, solve problems on your own. If grit wasn�t a pre-requisite for a PhD, it seems to be something most students feel they�ve developed.

When you are independent, you are also responsible. When things are going well, this can feel great. When problems arise, experiments don�t work, or your line of inquiry hits a dead end, it can feel awful. At these points, it can be difficult to separate personal responsibility for errors (the self-doubt can be quick to creep in) from the reality of research; failure is common. After nearly a decade working in research, I�ve learnt that the only certainty seems to be that most things fail! Failure is part of the process, it is something that we can learn from, but that reality doesn�t make it much easier to bear your first failures.

The feeling of independence, and the positives that accompany this, was not universal. Two situations seem liable to curtail independence. First, where a student has transitioned from working as a research assistant in a laboratory group to completing his/her PhD in this group, there can be challenges making the transition to independence. It can be difficult to let go of previous projects and papers to find time to carve out for your own work. Second, where students have industry funded PhDs and spend some of their time in industry, there may be conflicting ideas about the purpose of a PhD, with industry partners expecting to have more influence over the focus of the research and even the day-to-day activities.

Finally, most PhD students that we�ve spoken to so far identify that there is a limit to this independence; their studies are, after all, directed by their supervisor. Interestingly, students in their later years of study have been describing a process of learning to manage their supervisor; there is a process to work through from looking to the supervisor for direction to truly feeling you own the project.

As a PhD student, do you have independence? Is this a positive thing? Or can it be a challenge? Share your experience and help us better understand how to support PhD students here.

I am Dr Nicola Byrom a Lecturer in Psychology at Kings� College London and Founder of Student Minds. 

Campaign: Stop university students falling through the net when receiving care between home and university

Angela shares her experience receiving support between home and university and why she is campaigning for change.

-Angela Hulbert

Student mental health is hot in the press. In 2015, 15,000 students disclosed a mental health condition, but despite the fact that students are encouraged to talk about their mental health, accessing help whilst a student can be incredibly difficult. With waiting lists incredibly long and only living on campus for 7 months of the year, accessing help can be almost impossible.

Here is my story: 

Throughout 2018, on my year abroad, my mental health took a nose dive to the point where I was having to fly back home from Italy during my stay. The GP saw me and explained to come back to see her once I was permanently back home in order to get some help. Once I moved back to the UK I approached my GP back home asking for help. I was often suicidal, self-harming & my mental health was taking a toll on my physical health. The GP said she wanted to refer me to the mental health unit so I could see a psychiatrist & access more in depth help but due to the fact that I was registered at the university GP (100 miles from home) I couldn�t be referred. I was told I couldn�t re-register when I asked to. So at 21, still not taken seriously, my mum had to get involved which eventually resulted in me being able to re-register at my Home GP. I was referred for Therapy For You an IAPT service where I was then told I could access a text service (not what I needed when I was rapidly loosing hope), once I declined this & pushed for the fact that I wanted to see a human being I eventually got put on a waiting list. I would be seen that summer.

Except I wasn�t. September rolled around & 1 week before moving to university, I received the phone call that a spot had opened up. I explained I was going back to university & could I do fortnightly sessions so that I would be able to commute? Once again I was refused because it had to be weekly sessions, something my timetable & my bank balance couldn�t allow for. Still to this day I have not received any help, just on another waiting list, 4 months after asking initially for help.

I have fallen through the gap. Being a university student, spending 7 months at university & the rest at home but only registered to one GP makes accessing help for your mental health incredibly difficult. Had I gone to the GP that very first time with a lump in my breast that they too were worried about I would have been referred to a specialist then & there to have it checked out even though I was a guest in that practice.

When I took to social media to share my story, my inboxes flooded with stories of students who too have been refused help for both their mental and physical health, some ending tragically with a loss in life. A change needs to happen. Our generation is constantly told to be open about our mental health but when we are the support isn't always available.

Students shouldn't be falling through the net. I have decided that I want to ignite a change and I have created a government petition to allow students to register to 2 GP's. Since creating the petition I have been made aware that dual registration for students may not be the right solution for this problem. Nevertheless a solution needs to be found so that students can receive full ongoing care.

A change starts off small but could help the generations to come. I urge students, parents and everyone and anyone who wants a better system for our young people to please sign this petition as we search for the right solution to this complex problem.

I�m Angela, a French and Italian student with a huge passion for mental health which comes from my own battle with mental illness. Little by little I am hoping that the conversations I have with those around me and on my blog will make a change to someone, somewhere.

Fears, Futures, and Third Year

In this blog, Phoebe discusses final year stresses and the fear of life after university, giving some advice on how to manage these worries. 

I'm in my final year now. I'm very stressed and fearful that I may or may not have taken too much on. Certain things haven't gone to plan and the future is rather uncertain at the minute. 

Being a student isn't all fun and drinking games, but recently I've been feeling immensely overwhelmed by life. It's finally time to start getting approval for my dissertation, my third-year placement is beginning soon, and I kind of don't know where to begin with planning my life after university. 

I'm more than aware I'm not the only person in this situation. Many other people will be about to embark on the same pathway as me, so in the midst of my uncertainty here are a few thoughts I came up with: 

It's OK to feel like this: it's totally OK to not have everything figured out. I know myself enough to know that I can get through this, and similarly you will find your way. And if you need support, then seek it: everybody needs a helping hand at some point in their life. 

Reach out: Once, during my first year, I hit a real low with my mental health. It was one of the worst relapses I've ever had and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to ask my friends for help because I was so scared that they wouldn't want to be my friends anymore. But they stayed with me until the early hours of the next day and it actually brought us closer together. So don�t be afraid.

Believe in yourself: I think the main thing I'm going to rely on this year is myself. I know that I work hard and I know that I can do this: this current stress will pass. I'm going to give this year my best shot and if I don�t get the grade I want, then actually, that's fine. My best is all I can give and my best also involves taking care of myself. 

Take care of yourself: Recently I realised that there a lot of potential limitations to my research project and I'm absolutely petrified that it won't work. Whilst I've been an anxious mess, getting disproportionately stressed, I completely missed the connection that would tie my topics together. Taking time for yourself and taking care of yourself might actually end up being the one thing that helps you carry on. 

There may be overwhelming moments lurking in the future; stress may be about to surmount to quite high levels; but I guarantee you one thing: you are more than capable. Everything you need is within you and there is so much support available around you, for you to use when you need, and to help you reach where you want to go. 

My name is Phoebe, I�m 20 and a 3rd year Psychology student at Nottingham Trent University. I spend a lot of time campaigning for mental health awareness and I�m an ambassador for a number of mental health organisations including Beat and Time to Change.  I also have my own personal blog which I�ll leave the link to here: https://phoebebarr6.wixsite.com/website. Feel more than free to get in touch!

  

World Mental Health Day 2018 � Student and Graduate Mental Health

In this blog Emily raises awareness about the importance of discussing student and graduate mental health this World Mental Health Day.

-Emily

Each year, World Mental Health Day is marked on the 10th October. World Mental Health Day was first celebrated in 1992 and is a day for global mental health education, awareness and advocacy against social stigma. Last year, the theme of 2017�s World Mental Health Day was mental health in the workplace. This year, the theme for 2018�s World Mental Health Day is young people and mental health in a changing world. According to the World Health Organisation�s website, �adolescence and the early years of adulthood are a time of life when many changes occur, for example changing schools, leaving home, and starting university or a new job. For many, these are exciting times. They can also be times of stress and apprehension however. In some cases, if not recognised and managed, these feelings can lead to mental illness. The expanding use of online technologies, while undoubtedly bringing many benefits, can also bring additional pressures, as connectivity to virtual networks at any time of the day and night grows.� In this blog post, I am going to explore the challenges that not only university students may face with regards to mental health, but also the challenges that new university graduates can face. 

The recent Student Minds campaign #DearFresherMe saw many students (past and present) share their experiences and advice about mental health and starting university in order to advise and reassure new Freshers about to embark on their university journeys. Starting university in itself as a new first year can be daunting and challenging � moving away from home, living with new people and making new friends as well as starting a university course can cause a lot of stress and anxiety for some students. However, mental health problems for students don�t necessarily always begin during the first year of study � they can happen at any stage during university. In fact, each new academic year brings with it a fresh wave of challenges, including increased workload, living in student housing, perhaps studying abroad for a semester or a year, and the worry about what to do after university finishes. 

What can students do to help their mental health? Firstly, it is important to highlight that asking for help and indeed finding help and support for mental health is difficult. It can be embarrassing and worrying to find the confidence to admit that you�re struggling. Usually, however, there are lots of people who can support you. For example, I struggled a lot with mental health problems during my time at Swansea University, and I found it especially helpful to speak to the wonderful staff in the Swansea University Students� Union�s Advice and Support Centre. They were always non-judgemental and usually just always available if I needed a chat. But, it can also be helpful to speak to other people, like a tutor, additional support services or a GP, as well as friends and family. Keeping busy and finding something you thoroughly enjoy doing and taking part in can also significantly help with mental health. 

Moving on, graduate mental health is something that is not heard of, not well known, and definitely not talked about enough. I think it is misunderstood just how challenging it is to have gotten used to being at university which is a bit like a bubble, to suddenly being out in the big wide world! Little has been said about the post-graduation feeling of anxiety and confusion, and �this silent problem is taking over the lives of recent graduates, and while conversations around mental health in general have been getting louder, this is an area that is still relatively quiet� (Source). Leaving university is a shock to the system and it can be extremely tough to adjust to post-graduate life. However, it�s important to remember that your degree certificate signifies years of hard work, dedication and passion to your course, and that it is perfectly okay to not be in a perfect job right way or even to have a clue what you want to do. 

With this year�s World Mental Health Day focusing on young people, it is a good idea to challenge people�s perceptions of student and graduate mental health, as well as to educate about these important matters. This can help to further reduce the stigma that surrounds mental health at university and post-university and hopefully give more students and graduates the confidence and the reassurance to ask for support when required. 

�Emotional pain is not something that should be hidden away and never spoken about. There is truth in your pain, there is growth in your pain, but only if it�s first brought out into the open.� 

- Steven Aitchison

My name is Emily (Em). I have recently graduated from Swansea University with my BA degree in Modern Languages, Translation & Interpreting; I was also passionate about and dedicated to Swansea Student Media and the University students� newspaper � Waterfront. I blog for Student Minds because I have experienced mental health issues as a student and now as a graduate, as well as other health issues, and I support friends who also have mental health difficulties. I am a passionate writer and writing has been important in my mental health experiences � both in helping me to explore and to cope with my mental health, as well as sharing my story in order to help others.