You Didn't Fail Anyone

Rachel shares her experience of how even through tough times, mental health difficulties do not have to limit your success. 

- Rachel

I was eleven when my Granddad passed away. 

One conversation with him in those last few months stuck with me. 

At eleven, I had already decided I wanted to be a writer, and when Granddad told me he wanted me to go to Oxford to study English, I informed him that was already a part of My Life Plan.

(I was a cocky, annoying eleven-year-old.)

I never expected to spend time bouncing in and out of doctor�s offices, hospitals, and psychiatric wards, but I did. My focus, grades, and attendance all dropped. 

My Life Plan inevitably collapsed. 

I would later be diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ADHD, which would also add to the development of Emotionally Unstable (or Borderline) Personality Disorder. While I won't go into the details of these disorders, they had a massive effect on my life, particularly in my first year of University.  I barely attended anything in my first term and resigned myself to failure. I didn't submit assignments or make many friends, and mostly just drank alone. I wasn't in Oxford. I didn't have three A-Levels. I didn't have a good relationship with practically anyone. I eventually dropped out of first year entirely. 

I was living the opposite to My Life Plan.

I convinced myself that I was a failure, and that I had no value to anyone. I no longer even thought of the future, as if it wasn't going to be perfect, I believed I wouldn't have one at all. But there isn't a time limit on success. I thought that I had to have everything together by the time I was twenty-five, otherwise I'd failed. I was so full of guilt, I was ready to throw away my whole life. But along with psychiatric help and medication, I slowly began to understand my mental state, and get myself out of it. 

A symptom of EU/BPD is 'black and white thinking', AKA seeing a situation as entirely good or entirely bad. While this can be a symptom of EU/BPD, I believe it's something many people can relate to.

'If I can't be the best at something, why do it at all?'

'If I don't succeed, then I have failed.'

I saw myself as only a failure over that first year after dropping out of university. Ultimately, I learned that even at your absolute worst, you're still capable of good. I forced myself to accept the fact that I had done bad things, but I was still capable of change. My future didn't have to be empty. 

The world isn't goodies vs baddies. You aren't successful or unsuccessful. 

I'm now back in University, breaking for summer after first year. No, I may not be in Oxford. I didn't get all of my A Levels. It's likely that I'll continue to deal with mental health symptoms for a while yet. I've had to defer some of my assignments due to my health this year.

That's okay. 

I'm sure my Granddad would have loved it if I did achieve My Life Plan by twenty-five.

But I bet he wanted me to be kind, hardworking and happy even more.

Hello! I�m Rachel, a 19 year old Creative Writing student originally from Wales, currently studying at DeMontfort in Leicester. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, ADHD, anxiety and depression. 

4 reasons why I�m talking about Mental Health

After years of silence, Rosie talks about why she has decided to be open about her mental health.

- Rosie

1. Silence creates shame 

For many years, I remained silent about my mental health problems. I felt like I constantly carried a �dirty little secret� and I lived in fear of it being discovered. In a way, I felt like I had something really �disgusting� about me and this secrecy multiplied the shame I felt. Think of hiding mental health problems like covering wounds with bandages- they often need to be in the open air, or they fester. The shame I have felt is not deserved. I have a right to be treated with respect, understanding, and kindness and to live an open life.

2. I want to live openly

Talking about my mental health feels very exposing. It puts me in a vulnerable position because I open myself up to rejection, stereotyping and shaming that are all too real reactions. But acceptance and compassion are real too. I�m glad that after every time I�m silenced or shamed I carried on speaking because when I have found people who listen, it has made me realise that my shame isn�t deserved. It can take time to find people who you feel safe enough to talk to but when I did, it gave me a sense of belonging.

3. It makes others feel less alone 

Every time someone shares their story and it resonates with me, I am inspired to continue to share mine. I believe �me too� is one of the most powerful sentences we have because it tells people that they are not alone in what they go through- this can be a huge relief! Since I started sharing my experiences on my blog and Twitter, Talking About BPD, I have had thousands of tweets from people saying they can relate to me and one another. This sense of community, built through shared experiences, enables people to feel more compassion towards themselves because they see themselves reflected in others. It�s often easier to feel compassion towards others than ourselves, but if we can see ourselves in others we might become more able to extend that compassion towards ourselves too.

4. It breaks down stereotypes

When I talk openly about my mental health people are often shocked because they don�t expect me to have mental health problems. I tell them that there is no personality type for a mental illness! Yet, the �face of mental illness� in the media is not accurate and does not reflect the fact that mental health conditions can affect anyone. My main diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and when I share my story, I show that I�m a sister, a friend, a primary school teacher, a masters student, a spoken word writer- and I have BPD. Anyone might have BPD, you cannot tell by looking. People with BPD are some of the friendliest, most caring, fun and creative people you could ever meet!

I would love you to join the conversation with me, Rosie, over at Talking About BPD, on Twitter @TalkingAboutBPD or at http://talkingaboutbpd.blogspot.co.uk/. It would be great if you wanted to share your story with the growing number of voices talking about their experiences.

Hi I'm Rosie from Talking About BPD, a blog sharing my journey from silence to talking about mental health. I'm a primary school teacher and a Medical Humanities student aiming to open up conversations about mental health. I would love you to join the conversation with me on Twitter @TalkingAboutBPD. 

A BPD�s Favourite Person

Erin opens up about her experience of a non-clinical symptom that is very familiar among people with Borderline Personality Disorder. She draws upon the importance of being as open about your mental illness as possible and how it can aid your journey to recovery.

- Erin Cadden

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an illness that not many people are familiar with. Honestly, I wasn�t sure of the definition of BPD until a psychologist told me I displayed signs of it. Mental illnesses are highly stigmatised in general but BPD is particularly misunderstood and misrepresented.

A common symptom of BPD that I have personally experienced is having a �favourite person� (FP). Some BPD sufferers are able to easily identify their favourite person and are aware of how they have come to be attached to this person. For me, the realisation that I had a favourite person only came when my relationship with that individual ended. It was only then that I was aware that how I felt towards him wasn�t entirely normal.

An FP can vary by person; In my early childhood, my FP was my mother. For years I struggled with not being near her. Whenever I had to leave her to attend school, parties or sleepovers my anxiety would become increasingly worse. Extreme anxiety and panic attacks meant my social activities and interactions were limited.

When I started university, I met someone with whom I had a great connection. I no longer saw my mother on a daily basis, therefore, my FP transferred to someone new. This new FP was the boy I fell in love with, during the start of university. Despite the fact I may have often said otherwise, he was a great person. He was with me at the lowest points of my mental illness, helping me through episodes that even my mum and sisters hadn�t experienced with me yet.

The connection between someone with BPD and their FP is a bond that, in their eyes, will never be broken. Everything you think about and everything you do revolves around this person you idolise. You emotionally rely heavily on them; you feel they are the only person capable of making you happy. For an FP this can be draining, but for someone with BPD experiencing this reliance, it is equally as exhausting.

It is only now that I realise how dangerous this attachment can be for both the FP and BPD sufferer. Eventually, my FP couldn�t cope. My illness meant it, that I was a difficult person to love.

When my FP wasn�t constantly by my side, I experienced a lot of anxiety which led to the return of frequent panic attacks. My FP found this difficult to deal with. My fears that my FP would one day leave eventually came true. I felt my life was worthless and pointless without my FP constantly by my side. Unfortunately for me, this devastation led to a life threatening situation. Luckily I realised I needed help and was able to begin my journey to recovery.

I feel it is important to note that my FP could have been anyone that I connected with in life. I did not need to necessarily be in love with my FP. Feelings of being in love and the feelings of attachment to an FP are quite different. However, when they occur simultaneously they make relationships difficult. We lacked the awareness and understanding of my illness that was necessary to make our relationship work.

For a long time, I hated him for being the person who gave up on me. The immediate aftermath of the end of our relationship was hard because I had to try to grieve the loss of my FP but also recover from the heartbreak of a breakup, while trying to accept my mental illness. We no longer have any form regular contact and though I might not always want to admit it, I will always be extremely grateful for his presence in my life, good and bad. Although what I had to go through was far from pleasant at the time, I am grateful for the experience, in the sense that, I am now aware of what my mind is capable of.

Showing your appreciation for anyone in your life, especially those who help you through your worst episodes is so important. I have learnt to open my heart to trust more than just one person. Learn not to be sad when people can�t stand by you through your lowest of your mental health. It is not a judge of faulty in your character, but an example of a weakness in theirs. I am now the strongest and happiest I have ever been, and unfortunately, for those who have not stuck by me, they will not get to experience this.

Hi, my name is Erin, I am currently in my final year studying Design Management at UAL in London. I shave suffered from my mental health from the age of 10 years old. My diagnoses are still ongoing but suspected off; Depression, Anxiety, Autism, Bipolar and Borderline personality disorder. I began writing for Student Minds in order to share my own experiences of my journey with mental health. The aim is to increase awareness and to decrease the stigma attached to mental illnesses as a whole.

Assumptions and Acceptance

Using her own experience Rachael shows how a bad start to university doesn't have to put you off university education. 

-Rachael Johnston

My welcome to higher education wasn't all that great to begin with. I was studying a counselling degree with the hope to work in early intervention programs for children who were struggling emotionally.  I was honest about having Anorexia & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), however, when it came to placement year I was pulled into a room and was told I would be a danger to myself and others!

The tutors had googled BPD and basically just read the bad stuff related to it. I was heartbroken, especially with it coming from my tutors who were counsellors. I'd worked so hard and was fully aware I would need to be conscious of my own state of mind during the placement and in the profession.

While this was happening, I had given a talk about my journey to a group of university students on a Childhood & Youth Professional Studies course. I explained the situation I was in and explained the direction I wanted to head in. There and then the lecturer told me about their course and the help on offer through disability support.

Within 2 weeks student finance had been sorted and my disabled student allowance (DSA). Right from the start, the support I recieved was amazing. I had an independent learning plan which was sent to my tutors and I had a copy. It explained all my needs and any behaviours to watch out for (which I had agreed to) - that I may just leave the lecture as often I just need to walk round to get myself back focused.

There was no pressure to read my marks straight away from assignments and if I was struggling it was okay. There was no judgement. Even today as I enter my final year, it's still the same.

The other year I received a phone call from the course lead as I'd taken an overdose just after we broke up for summer - there was no judgement and no well "uni isn't for you" which I had had in the past.

My support plan is followed to the letter (as it should be) and although I've had a couple of extensions for my assignments due to declines in my health, it's never been an issue.

My greatest support for my uni support is my mentor, who is funded through my DSA. I've built up a trusting relationship with her and she keeps everyone updated, with my permission. I struggle with going into the library to get books so she's worked with me to build up the courage to do it. I honestly wonder if I would have carried on with my course at times if it wasn't for the fact I have her to rant and ramble to, she goes above and beyond and I really appreciate it.

I recently had a matter around student finance and phoned/emailed my lead tutor in a panic, she helped to resolve the matter and calmed me down, she knew the matter would be sorted but didn�t discredit my racing thoughts and feelings, as she knew this would just make my BPD spiral.

University is often a bumpy journey. I've had to adjust to new situations and overcome darker days. I feel very humbled that I have joined a university that has accepted and encouraged me, and one that has taken the time to understand that my mental health is only a small part of the 26 year old that is looking forward to graduating in 2018.

Feeling low? Find local support at your university, here. Find further information, support and advice on the Student Minds website.




Hi, I'm Rachael. I'm currently studying Childhood and Youth Professional Studies at the University of Chester and wanted to write for Student Minds as I have Anorexia and Borderline Personality Disorder and wanted to show that having mental health issues doesn't have to stop you from studying.